I Got Trust Issues Pt. 2: How It Shows Up Now

I didn’t realize how much it affected me until I started paying attention to how I move now.

On the surface, everything still looks the same because I still believe in God, I still pray, and I still show up the way I always have. If you asked me, I would probably tell you I’m good. I would tell you my faith is intact. And technically, that wouldn’t be a lie.

But it wouldn’t be the full truth either. Because internally, something shifted, and it shows up in ways I can’t ignore anymore. I don’t approach things with the same openness I used to. I don’t go into situations expecting the best. Not because I’m negative, but because I’ve learned how to manage my expectations in a way that keeps me from being disappointed.

And for a while, I convinced myself that was maturity. I told myself I had finally learned balance, that I wasn’t being overly emotional or unrealistic anymore. I thought I had grown.

But if I’m being honest, that wasn’t growth. That was protection.

I’ve been moving in a way that makes sure I don’t feel that same kind of disappointment again, even if it means holding parts of myself back. I don’t fully lean in. I don’t fully expect things to go right. I keep a quiet distance between what I believe God can do and what I actually let myself hope for.

And the wild part is, I didn’t even realize I was doing it at first.

It just became how I operate. It shows up in how I deal with people too.

I love people, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t fully expect them to stay.

I trust people, but not without mentally preparing for the possibility that things could shift.

I show up, but I don’t always give access the way I used to.

I’m present, but I’m guarded.

And I used to think that was just life experience. I thought that was what happens when you get older and wiser. But the more I sit with it, the more I see where it actually comes from.

It comes from that moment where I believed something all the way through and it didn’t happen.

That moment didn’t just stay in that situation. It followed me.

Even in my relationship with God, I can feel the difference. I still believe in Him, but I don’t always approach Him with the same openness. I catch myself holding back, choosing my words more carefully, not asking for too much, not expecting too much.

And I hate that, if I’m being honest.

Because it’s not that I don’t believe He can. It’s that a part of me is trying to protect myself in case He doesn’t.

That’s the part nobody really talks about.

It’s easier to say you trust God than it is to admit that your trust doesn’t look the same anymore.

It’s easier to keep performing faith than it is to sit with the reality that something in you pulled back.

And now I’m in a place where I can’t ignore it.

I see it in how I think, how I respond, how I approach situations, and I know I don’t want to keep moving like this. I don’t want to keep loving people with one foot in and one foot out. I don’t want to keep approaching God like I need to protect myself from Him.

So now I’m doing the work of unlearning it.

Not in a dramatic way, not overnight, and definitely not perfectly. But intentionally.

I’m paying attention to when I start holding back. I’m noticing when I shrink my expectations just to feel safe. I’m catching myself when I try to control outcomes instead of just being present in them. And I’m choosing differently when I can.

That might look like letting myself hope without immediately shutting it down. It might look like praying without editing myself halfway through. It might look like trusting someone without already preparing for the worst.

It’s small, but it’s honest.

And right now, that’s where I am.

I’m not fully back to where I used to be, and honestly, I don’t even know if I’m supposed to be. But I do know I don’t want to stay in this version of guarded forever.

So I’m working through it.

And if I’m being honest, I know I’m not the only one who moves like this now, even if we don’t always say it out loud.

But yeah… this is what it looks like. And I’m still unlearning it.

And if you’re in that space too… I see you – you're not alone. 🫶🏽♥️